Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
