neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
