I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
