my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
