maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
