I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
