My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
