Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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