I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
