It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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