Yo dont text me then not text me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
