He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
