I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
