i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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