:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
