I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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