Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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