I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
