things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
