i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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