I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
