he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
