if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
