sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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