I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
