I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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