someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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