So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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