Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
