I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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