Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
