Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize