He passed out mid-signature
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
