sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
