just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
