o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
