Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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