I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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