I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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