she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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