im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
