who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
