so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
