Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize