If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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