Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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