Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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