she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
