If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
