I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
