I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A bitchslap is in order.
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