Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
