this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize