its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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