I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
